The Crunch

Aug. 22nd, 2013 09:39 pm
nepenthe: (scully knows the drill)

I’m certain there is a circle of hell that consists solely of souls doomed to fill out online job application forms.

I have many problems. I laid them all out for my counselor today and she pointed out that my most imminent problem has arisen in the form of this ‘verbal warning’ at work in combo with my attempt to purchase a condo. At work, I have three months to turn ship-shape or else. As this is traditionally our slowest, worst season of the year, turning things around when there are no calls and cruises are dirt cheap, me pulling this off is unlikely, to say the least. Then the housing combo: one of the home loan requirements for someone with low income, like me, is a steady job history over 3 years. Ergo, if I’m to own a condo or townhouse, the loan must be secured and I’ll need to move before I am fired. Possibly 3, maybe 4 months from now. If I do not secure a place to live and I get fired, it will be another three years before I can try this again.


Three. Years.

Add to this deadline the irritating fact securing a new job is FAR EASIER if you ALREADY HAVE ONE, realistically, I have a month or two to find a place to live, then, maybe, one or two months to obtain a new job so I can afford to pay off my brand new, shiny mortgage.

If I can pull this off, if I can get through the new job’s trial period and all the other usual new job bullshit, I will be so, so, SO much better off than I am right now.

If, if, if.

Worst case scenario: I don’t find a condo I want/like/can afford/be approved for in time.

Outcome: I stay in this apartment I’m currently leasing and like (yay). I kill my car loan (yay). I apply for a new job until my fingers bleed.

Worst case scenario: I don’t find a condo and am fired before I secure a new job.

Outcome: I still have my apartment to lease. I don’t need to kill my car loan, just pay things as they go. I will cxl my cable, keep my internet. The money I have for the house down payment can be used to house and feed me (and the kitties) and keep the lights on. I will apply for jobs. And apply and apply. Someone will hire me, eventually.

Things to remember while interviewing/writing resume:

1.      First and foremost: The truth, but only ever from a certain point of view. When applying for his first job writing for a journal, Neil Gaiman listed some magazines that sounded likely and got the job. Later he’d write for all of them. If you ignore that time is linear, it was not a lie.

2.       Second: spin whatever question they ask into answering what I will do for them. We are all selfish. Companies most of all. If they ask why I’m leaving my current job, I’ll say, it’s because I know I can give more, do more, but where I am doesn’t provide the growth potential I’m looking for. Remembering #1, I need not mention the employment growth I’m interested in is writing supernatural erotica or romance.

I’ve gone on too long. It’s good for me to reframe my headspace to prepare to dive into the job market. I’ve updated my resume already. It’s now time for me to revisit the notes I took interviewing (and being mock interviewed by) my uncle Dave (who, in his day, worked HR). I need to remind myself of all the hints and dos and don’ts before I dive into filling out this temp job form.  A temp job could provide me with weekend work, given I will have a new schedule in a few weeks that—get this—allows me Saturday and Sunday off. 

Whelp. Off to review notes. Tomorrow is work, work, work.

nepenthe: (Feather)

I managed to earn my first written warning at work. My supervisor had said it was a verbal warning yesterday, but must have forgotten the verbal warning I’d been given several months ago (that warning I could not take seriously, as it was due to the guests’ feelings being hurt because, and I quote, I “made her feel stupid”. It’s hard to feel repentant over all the pride). So it became a written warning, not necessarily due to my lack of overall reservations (they are low side of average) nor revenue, (which is upper side of average for all I don’t have reservation), but because my conversion is low. Conversion. I’ve had consistently low conversion rates for months. I’ve had low insurance sales for a few months, too.

I have, like, a week to magically get my conversion rate up when I’ve had three days with no reservations whatsoever. People call in to make reservations, sure. But they saw it somewhere else for less. Or do they really have to pay for their three year old? 'But it’s only a baby! Surely a baby doesn’t have to pay'. 'We were going to make reservations, but we're so upset about having to pay for a child'. 'Can I buy a chicken sandwich at x restaurant? I just really need to be sure there’s a chicken sandwich waiting for me'. Or, ‘I thought if I called you directly, you’d lower the price for me’. ‘But I cruised with you before, don’t you have a discount’?

It goes on and on and I hear their astonishment that they have to pay money for a cruise, or ask the same question over and over, making me answer the same, over and over.

That's me, the old, broken record. This is not a job for me. It never was. I need to accept that if I stick around, I’m going to be fired as I cannot stop myself from getting angry every time someone begins to whine about paaaaying. Why does it cost mooooneeey? It’s easier to get a new job when you already have a job. I have a job on the outs. It is time for me to find a job to squeeze into elsewhere.

On the new shift bid that starts up second week of September, (my new shift schedule) I’ll have weekends off. It might be smart to look into getting a part-time job someplace else; if I lose this job, I’ll at least have something.

Whatever it is, I desperately want to be off the phones. I’ve always preferred data entry or filing to phone jobs. Something that isn’t 100% customer service, dealing with the general populace eight plus hours a day. Something that doesn't have me talking to people who are assholes set to make all loose faith in humanity.

Downside?  If I drop my current job, I lose my 'steady work history,' there’s no way I’m going to pull buying a condo. Not happening. Am a bit sorry, but all not buying a condo means is I pay off my car loan and start an IRA, and have a tiny money safety cushion and no more debt.

I hate to own up to having an idea for a Comic-Book themed romance novel and a (so far) supernatural romance/erotica novel (book. things.) because, don’t I always have ideas? When is anything finished? Even my 50,000 word Who fic isn't done. But as advice macros say, “You’ve hit rock bottom? Good. You have a firm foundation.” The boredom is mixing with desperation and my, isn't it a potent mixture? 

I have a nice place to live. I have savings I could live off of if worse comes to worst. And I can write shit. If keep saying it, maybe one day it’ll be true.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. I need to get my ass up and at ‘um early. I have choices to make and a novel to write. 

nepenthe: (HP at one)


Today has been a hard day. Not because there’s any reason for it to have been.

Okay, that’s not true.

My father called shortly after I rolled outta bed around 8 AM to let me know one of my uncles (whom I’ve never been close to, in the least) attempted suicide and is currently at a hospital. Alive and will, expected to make a full recovery, presumably to be released to my father at some point in the future. I have mixed feelings about this. My own attempt to take my life was a long, long time ago and somewhat pathetic in comparison, but it was something I contemplated regularly for a set number of years in my youth. Which fosters my empathy and my own desire to help and wish him to get the help he needs, put his life in order, and to get better.  However, this is the very same uncle who stole $14,000 from a bank he worked at. My father was a member of the selfsame bank board and, out of ‘respect’ for my father, the members offered to either have my uncle reported to the proper authorities to be keel-hauled to jail or for my father to pay the bank back its money. My father chose to pay it back (which is some bullshit).

Demons are so often foisted on us by other humans, by chance, by our physical bodies which betray us. It’s unjust. My heart reaches out those who are driven to the edge by forces that are beyond their control.

My uncle has made his own demons. So. While I feel sorry for him, I am also annoyed by him.

For one, my father to whom my uncle will be released to is, himself, supposed to be on anti-depressants. But you can’t drink and take the anti-depressants, so he doesn’t take them and instead gets drunk every night because he owns the bar and all the booze in it. He’s not exactly the sorta person best suited to take responsibility for someone who has made an attempt on their life. My father’s also the one who takes it upon himself to bail all his siblings out of financial trouble. And I get the feeling that it’s the expected thing—that everyone expects my father to give them money simply because he has it. Or had it.

They’ve (my father and the Forever Girlfriend) sunk so much money into this restaurant venture, (millions, I’m sure) I don’t know how stable their financial situation is (the restaurant is an entire subject I could rant about—how both my father and the Forever Girlfriend have worked 2 full-time jobs each for about 5 years straight, how my father has turned into a drunken asshole on top of the asshole he already was, how it’s ruined the relationship between them, the prostitutes, ect, ect) and while I long ago realized there is literally NOTHING I can do or say that will ever make my father happy, I’ve none the less wished he’d find peace and happiness.   


I’m also in a bit of a depressive funk myself, no thanks to genetics and PMS.

And missing Bunny.

Remembered my tax return would be in soon, so it was time to make my annual $100 donation to the Escondido Animal Shelter where I’d adopted Bunny. And I had a bit of a cry because I’m a horrible, irresponsible mother who’d lost her baby Bunny who is probably starving out in the streets, if not flattened into the pavement.

Then I made myself chicken casserole, because I’m a responsible adult. & took my sewing chair and I didn’t have the heart to move her so started up on my sewing. Realized everything I’d done the night before was wrong, so I had to undo and redo it all. One step forward, ten steps back.

Am now at Bookmans for Singles Awareness Day. I thought there would be live music, but it’s an hour into the event and I see no sign of a band, just pastries. Nothing wrong with pastries, but I was anticipating music, so.


So. Brief distraction there—not my story to tell, but suffice it to say, more assholery has been done in the world. My belief that there are no more than a scant few good people on the planet and everyone else is an asshole whose self-interest supersedes care for anyone or anything else has been upheld.

Aaaaand my mood isn’t going to improve like this. I’m going to try and find something more upbeat to listen to and sew into the night. One step forward, two steps back, here I go.


nepenthe: (Default)

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