nepenthe: (Default)
So I was a bit caught up in all the gum-throwing drama to write about the Trek movie. THERE WILL BE SPOLIERS, LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF THEM FROM HERE ON OUT. The opening battle had tactical problems, according to the naval officers to my right. In other words, Kirk’s daddy had options other than dying, but it’s a movie and the writers were going for drama, not military accuracy.

The main reason why my twin felt the urge to gab was the fact that a few minutes from the opening, we learned Kirk is from IOWA. This made the two Iowans in the audience very excited, but prone to calling out Iowan continuity problems. For one, that cop caught that kid!Kirk real fast. Unless they take to using robot cops in the future (which might have been what they were going for). You see, in Iowa there are plenty of doughnut chomping cops with nothing better to do than catch people going 2 over the speed limit in the cities and on the interstates, but there tend not to be many on the dirt roads. That makes the quick capture of kid!Kirk surprising. Because there are a plethora of cops with monthly speeder quotas in the town of Marion, Chrissy’s quip to this scene was: “Where’d that cop come from? That doesn’t look like Marion”.

I was about to call them on a Geography Fail since there are no great gaping canyons or fault lines (besides the Mississippi) in Iowa, but it turned out to be a quarry and there are a few of them, so I let it slide.

We were impressed by the upgrade small-town Iowan nightlife adopts in the future. Apparently we Iowans will prefer raves with lots of colored neon lighting to pubs and dive bars.

Also, what idiot built that fifty story galactic space port at the start of Tornado Alley? Tornados people. Gigantic, unpredictable storms that level everything and anything. Land hurricanes with winds that can send sticks through concrete blocks. Unless there is some super building construction going on or we’re controlling the weather by that point, that port is a death trap waiting to happen.

I did notice that there seems to be some kind of plague that reduced all females who are not Uhura to being extras. With that said, all casting of the primary players was dead on, and I took special liking to Zoe Saldana as Uhura (after the stupid bar brawl, wherein I kept willing her to become annoyed and walk out of the bar because human males are retarded). I like how she isn’t girl-with-spunk or angry-black-woman, but socially-adapted-career-woman-geek-in-love-with-NOT-the-duschebag-male-lead.

I confess to being a somewhat oblivious person when it comes to flirting and picking out who is ‘into’ who, or which people are emanating the hot-lovin’ chemistry. I try, but I’m not adept in real life, especially when people are trying to keep such things under wraps. However, I’ve got to give serious, serious props to the acting skillz of Zoe and Zach, especially to Zoe, for their first few moments on screen together. It goes something like this:

Uhura finds out Spock hasn’t assigned her to the Enterprise. Uhura is upset. Uhura approaches Spock.

Uhura: I’m not assigned to the Enterprise.
Spock: The Such-And-Such is a fine vessel, with Captain So-And-So who has done many impressive and important things.
Uhura: I’m not assigned to the Enterprise.
Spock (taken aback): I thought you would prefer the Such-and-Such, as it will allow you ample room to advance through the ranks--
Uhura: Do I not have perfect Romulin phonetics in all five dialects? Blindfolded, can you tell my Vulcan from a native’s?
Spock: Your Romulan is perfection, and I did not.
Uhura: Do my gutturals not make Klingons cry?
Spock: They weep like children.
Uhura: Then why the hell am I not on the Enterprise?
Spock: I would not wish accusations of favoritism to impede your. . .
Spock: *Writes on his tablet* Cadet Uhura, Enterprise.
Uhura: *Flips pony tail* I can take care of my own career and don't you forget we're having sex tonight, Mr. Lieutenant Commander.

Zoe and Zach flit so effortlessly over this tiny little scene, like they’re on air, Oblivious Nepenthe could not see that this was the audience’s underhanded hint that they were Totally Doing IT. Abrams is known for pulling this kind of crap. You know, gives you hints and secret clues you don’t realize are hint and clues until two days later when you’re in the shower and are all, “Shit, that one scene I thought was from out of left field Makes Total Sense now”. When I saw this little banter scene, I assumed (and I suppose the audience is meant to assume) Spock meant that he didn’t want to give the impression he hordes all the top students for his own ship. I found it odd that a seasoned officer would cave to the demands of someone newly commissioned, but let it pass as a clever way to give the audience Uhura’s resume (all the primary actors have these little ‘resume’ moments, like Captain Pike talking Kirk into joining up with the academy, or Spock at his Vulcan U. admissions council. Drunk Bones ranting to Kirk about his divorce and skillz as a doctor. Chekhov’s moment is hilarious. Sulu’s is clever, with one resume for piloting and one for fencing. Not to worry, they are all done in such a way that flows with the Plot and aren’t blatant attempts to incorporate the newbies and are moreso treats for the oldtimers who are already in on the jokes.). And yes, it took two days for me to realize what Spock had meant from that scene was that he didn’t want others to accuse her of sleeping her way to the top, when she stands on her own extensive merits.

I could delve further into this brilliant, brilliant relationship scene (which only gets better when you add in the context of the military, the reason there are fraternization rules about sleeping outside rank, and that Spock was trying not to favor Uhura to be fair to the rest of the cadets he was responsible for assigning to a ship. So, he places her safely out from under his command, but stilled caved to her faster than a sugary coating on crème brule to a spoon (You have to admit, it’s logical to place her on another ship so they can have a safe relationship with safely advancing careers each. But as logical as it is to put her on another ship, he caves to her the second he knows she’s okay with the risk, because he’s okay with the risk and really wanted her with him all along, to hell with logic *squee!*)) which is fun, but there are so many other relationships going on, plus the hints of more.

Kirk Prime/Spock Prime. Okay, maybe not with teh sex between these two, but I could soooo tell that Spock Prime had loved Kirk Prime. It’s the way Spock Prime assumed young Kirk came for him. It’s how open Spock Prime is with his emotions that he shares his own thoughts, memories, and feelings with Kirk as readily as he must have shared them with Kirk Prime. I got the feeling that the loss of Vulcan was right on par with another loss, that helping the remaining Vulcans regroup would simply be a means of keeping himself sufficiently occupied until the end, and I could tell he felt great joy in wishing his younger self well, and telling him not to suppress his emotions this time around.

Kirk/Spock. Ooooo classic! We all know this one. With the old school Spock and Kirk Prime, the chemistry was pretty obvious. However, I wasn’t really feeling it for about the first half of this film. Maybe a little in the training room when Kirk was being a brilliant, total smartass and flaunting it like a peacock in Spock’s face, but aside from that, I didn’t really feel any kind of sexual tension. Mostly, it seemed like two immature career military types sucker-punching each other on the way to the captain’s chair.

But that’s when Spock Prime shows up and blows Kirk’s mind with the realization that Spock. Has. Feelings. A lot of feelings. And a heart too big for his chest. Spock Prime all but says, “Kirk, I am emotionally compromised. I assure you, the young me is emotionally compromised. Only you can save me from myself”. Hellooooo romance! From then on, it’s like, “did it just get hot in here, or is it just me?” There was Kirk drawing forth Spock’s grief and anger. Spock punching Kirk in the face for insulting his mother, then them pairing up together to save the day. I like to think Kirk’s surprise at Spock and Uhura’s kiss is a bit more related to how he feels for Spock than the fact Spock is on a first-name basis with Uhura. Then there was that little moment at the end where Spock’s all, “what’re you doing?” and Kirk’s all, “I thought that was the logical thing and you’d like that,” and Spock, knowing that wasn’t Kirk’s style, realizes he actually likes Kirk’s way of doing things, says, “no, no I don’t,” and Kirk’s all smiley and does things his way, with a big boom. By the end of the film, I think Kirk has gotten it—gets they have something special--at least on a subconscious level. I don’t think Spock quite gets there, but just as the film is closing, I think Spock Prime plants the seed in Spock’s mind. With luck, that will flourish in the next film.

There had better be a next film.

Kirk/McCoy. Apologies to slash Kirk/Spock purist, but this is my FAVORITE!!! I love how these two meet. It’s perfect. Kirk, in his leather jacket and t-shirt splotched with his own blood from the bar brawl the night before, situates himself among all those tight-laced, uniformed cadet-to-bes, totally out of place, and from across the hull comes angry, drunken yelling. It’s McCoy, shouting at some poor usher trying to get him seated about the horrors of space diseases, continuing his tirade to Kirk whom he sits next to (probably because the usher realizes that, of all people on this rig the guy with blood on his shirt can handle himself). Kirk gets to quip, “You do realize we’re going into space, right?” and from there we find out that McCoy is newly divorced (amid colorful, derogatory language). McCoy pulls out a flask from his jacket, and we are left to assume they get royally piss-drunk, the miserable pair of fuck-up cast-offs who are going to get along just fine in this sea of rule-abiders.

I love how McCoy is indignant on Kirk’s behalf when Spock and the ‘Tribunal’ refuse to let Kirk come with them, even though there is an obvious emergency and all hands, even those of a hotshot punk, are needed. So what does McCoy do? Without even asking, he throws together a hair-brained scheme to get Kirk onto the Enterprise as his patient. I love how J.J. and the writers put this scene together, with these two slightly off-kilter men who know and trust each other to such a degree where if one jabs the other with a needle of God-Knows-What which causes awful side effects, the other goes along with it, no questions asked. And when the other guy (Kirk) begins to rave about how they’re all going to die unless he gets to the bridge (where the Tribunal and Spock are, which is bad, bad, bad and will get both of them in serious trouble) McCoy goes along with it, playing damage control for Kirk. The audience knows these two have known each other for more than three years, have been best friends the whole time.

McCoy is magnificently irate when Spock undoes McCoy’s hard work of getting Kirk onto the Enterprise (which saved them all horrific deaths), that Spock is blaming the messenger (Kirk) even though that messenger risked his life to save Vulcan, as if being right about the disaster was the same as being to blame for it. McCoy is the only one to call Spock on the fact they’d all be dead if it weren’t for Jim, so it might not be such a bad idea to listen to him instead of drugging him and leaving him on an ice world outpost. McCoy is FURIOUS and probably says the most un-PC thing in the whole movie (at least by Federation standards). Karl Urban is Brilliant and makes for a better McCoy than the original.

It also helps that there is simply a lot of chemistry between these two. Chemistry that is seen is hard to accurately replicate in writing. Also, it doesn’t hurt that the actors are hot (Karl Urban?! I didn’t recognize you, all cleaned up and with short, brown hair and perfect McCoy Prime-matching accent and diction. Who ever would have pegged you as Eomer?).

So, as you can see, I don’t really have a solid ship I’m on. Spock/Uhura is cute in that Geeks-in-Love kind of way that makes me go ‘awwww’, Kirk/Spock is a hot-and-cold steamy kind of relationship, and Kirk/McCoy is best-friend-comedy-of-errors- attached-at-the-hip-hotness that’s hard to describe but super fun. Kirk Prime/Spock Prime is the only Epic Romance I see going on at the current gait, but it’s possible for Kirk/Spock to get there.

Asside: I’d like to note how odd it is for me to be praising a Star Trek movie. Soooo weird.

That’s enough ranting! Time to work on real writing.
nepenthe: (HP at one)
I have learned five things while viewing the new Trekkie movie:

1. Star Trek is not supposed to be this much fun.
2. It is shameful that with all that film making talent and Hugh Jackman's hot bod, they still couldn't make Wolverine as cool a motherfucker as Spock. It's illogical.
3. Star Trek is not supposed to look this cool.
4. Attending a naval battle movie with real naval officers is sorta annoying because they can’t help telling the actors how to conduct said battle.
4. I won't mind if you scar up my hot cleavage (You mean I'll look like I took a bullet to the chest? Awesome) or poke fun at my near-midget stature (because they never suspect), or joke because I'm legally blind in five states (well, that is funny): But throw gum in my gorgeous, long blonde tresses (of the magnitude to send Legolas into a jealous rage) and I WILL CUT YOU, BITCH.

So, here's what happened:

I bought three tickets for my twin, Raphie, and myself to go see the 7:30 showing of Star Trek. As per usual, what with our compulsory MST3k watching, my twin talked through the previews. I don’t think it’s necessarily rude to talk through previews. What was annoying is that she kept talking. Not that what she was saying wasn’t funny, but the movie (once you get past the sorta cheesy opener) was shaping up to be fun, kinda funny, and had good effects. It isn’t cool to keep chattering, especially when you’re stuck in a theater with a bunch of Trekkies. I asked her to shut up. I asked her several times and heard some other chick say, ‘shut up,' though not in a stern Trekkie voice. It was somewhat hesitant, a voice that reeked of “I’m a bitchy-bitch teen out with my bitchy friends and I need to assert my coolness in a passive-aggressive way instead of being angry or polite”.

While I was quietly telling my twin to shut up again, something hit my head.

First of all, don’t throw shit at a movie wherein the audience members are likely to have had traumatic experiences of people throwing shit at them growing up, and now they are grown ups in their ‘safe zone’ and are likely to take violations of that safety as personal threats.

Second of all, if you’re going to throw something at someone in a theater, you better hit the right person.

Third, never, never make assumptions about the cute, small ones.

Fourth, don’t be seen.

Fifth, don’t be seated three empty spaces away with nothing but God’s air to protect you.

I had a hold of my glass Starbucks bottle before I thought about it. When I did think about it, I told myself it was just a piece of popcorn and it would be immensely stupid to get in a fight over a piece of popcorn when I’d end up missing out on the movie. Besides, the chick was young, stupid, and probably drunk on her daddy’s liquor cabinet.

Instead, I used my hair tie as a projectile weapon and shot it at her.

I turned to my twin, told her to shut the fuck up because people were throwing shit now, and I’d just been hit because of her. She piped down. However, when I got home and was brushing my hair, I found there was a piece of gum in it.

I am pissed. I am really, really pissed. I am fuming. My hair has been violated. I’m pissed that I’d been asking my twin to stop it on behalf of BitchyBitch, but she went ahead and hit me with the gum instead of my sister. I’m fairly certain that if at any point in the movie I had realized it was gum I would have started a brawl.

Me. A brawl. At a Trekkie movie and it wouldn’t even have been started by some insult to the Original Star Wars Trilogy.

I am still fuming. I am sort of angry that VomitSound has chosen to return now, after having been gone for the rest of today because it means I can’t pace anymore.

It should take a lot more than this to get me angry. Last time my anger was maintained over a time span, I had to deal with my dying mother, daily harassment at school and a step-mom who wouldn’t let me grow my hair more than a few inches because “I wouldn’t take care of it.”

I’d also like to note that I’m not usually this prone to being angry.

I was able to get the gum out without tearing much of my hair. I did have fun watching the movie. It amuses me to think this film simultaneously not sucks and will piss off the kind of Trek fans of the original series who like to argue about deflector shield harmonics.

And I’m still angry. I’m angry at my twin, because she’s partially the one who got me into this mess, and I’m pissed I didn’t cut that bitch, because if I’d have gotten in a brawl, I’m fairly sure I could have caused her some damage. I also find I wouldn’t mind getting beat up or arrested so long as I came out a bit more on top than that bitch. Not to mention, it would have been a brawl on opening night of a Trek movie. That would be awesome. I would be telling my grandkids about this day for ages, and I’ve missed this opportunity. Now all I can do is simmer and bitch to the two humans who read my stupid Dream Width page.

I feel pathetic and angry.


nepenthe: (Default)

June 2017

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