Warning: Rant to Follow

[nepenthe]

So I wrote up a big, long rant earlier today, and I think I got the issue out of my system. I will now post the positive ending because I am working towards being more postive. This may also be a way of saying to the Twin, "IN YOUR FACE." I am not all negativity all the time, sob stories and poor-me. I have goals and you know what? I'm working towards them, hard.

My end rant: 
 

Anywho, I told effex I had shit I’d planned to do that day, srs stuff with writing and beading preparations and I hadn’t accomplished ANY of it because of all the stupid drama and fuck it, I was going to Bookmans and having a hot chocolate and writing because I have work to do if I want to get anywhere in life.

 

So I went to Bookmans and I ordered my hot chocolate and I was all teary-eyed in public because I still had all this horrible stuff that’d happened which I hadn’t really gotten over before I came and The Killers know my paaaain: “Man, I need a release from this troublesome mind. . .I’m not looking for sweet talk, I’m looking for time. . .I’m gonna climb that Symphony home and make it mine” and because whoever chooses the music for Bookmans’ Café has my exact taste (They played the Muse Revolution Mash-Up. THEY PLAYED THE MUSE REVOLUTION MASH-UP. That you can only obtain by ripping off of YouTube. The beautiful people, beautiful people, “They. Will. Not. Controooooool us”) and I had my perfect hot chocolate (not in a mug, but I’m not that bitchy) and had to work on the funeral scene, which I’m emotionally invested in anyway and I’d gone and put on my grandma’s diamond in the morning because I’d felt like it and here I was taking Mallory through Rebecca’s funeral and I hoped everyone figured I had some bad allergies because my eyes are watery and nose is runny, man, and, yes, I noticed some guy working very furiously on a sketch a few tables over, but me being busy went back to work so he totally took me by surprise when he passed it to me on his way out—if it’d been some stupid fluffy bunny sketch, I might have hunted him down and punched him, but it was gothic and made me smile for being totes unexpected.

 

Bookmans is a good place for me to go.

 

Also, I am totally transparent. UGH. And now I can see how the Twin and a psychologist would conflate that into a desperate cry for attention, crying in public. Fuck me. I WAS SLOGGING ON IN THE FACE OF CRAP, HYPOTHETICAL SHIT-SLINGERS. I HAVE A BOOK TO WRITE, I HAVE INVENTORY TO MAKE, I CANNOT STOP BECAUSE TWIN SAID MEAN, UNTRUE THINGS.

 

Book, which I’ve not worked on because I’ve spent, like, three hours on this rant. Clearly, I need to get over the Twin's insults. Because I have things to do. I need to go home, make some food for myself. Make tomorrow’s lunch, because I must go back to the call center for one last hurrah before the month’s over. Must work on book and beads; clearly not gonna make my fortune or happiness or make my life worth living through customer service.

 

I will be meeting up with EV[i]l Writers tomorrow; I’m up. Maybe work on beads for a little while tonight, since it’s likely I’ll be spending Fri/Sat on revisions to what they reviewed. Then I must do book work, fixing the massive hole after Mallory ending the viewing which entails her taking Devon up on coffee before she goes up to her little bedroom and finding Truciden taking the knife from her desk.

 

After that, it’s making the flash of his perspective work better than it does. And really, really working out Cy’s end goals because I understand them at a vague level—they must be crystal clear if I’m to continue this book as a series (which, given how this thing is set to end, it is). 


And that was the end of it. I have eaten; must now make lunch for tomorrow. MUST write for an hour before bed; I'll feel I've been productive, then.

I can do this 'life' thing, I totally can even if it's only ever small scale. And one of the Smart Chicks said her first book took her five years; another said fifteen. It's okay; I'm not failing because this is taking me time. I'm NOT. I'm progressing.

Comments

[finch]

You're definitely progressing.

[nepenthe]

Thank you! I have been working hard; I'm not even kidding.

[effex]

And one of the Smart Chicks said her first book took her five years; another said fifteen. It's okay; I'm not failing because this is taking me time. I'm NOT. I'm progressing.

Yes yes yeeeeeessssss. You are. And you're working your ass off to do it.