My FUTURE

[nepenthe]

Of late, I’ve been contemplating Very Big Questions regarding my life. Namely, what I’m going to do with it. Once you realize this is it, the big time, no more playing games you are living life right now and there went a heartbeat you won’t get back, you start to realize THIS IS IT. I don’t want to exist, I want to live. I want to enjoy, I want to explore, I want to discover. I want to spend time with my friends, cuddle with my cat, have fun, be happy. There isn’t enough time for stupidity or bickering or being petty.

There isn’t enough time to spend years at a dead end job answering telephones, that’s for fucking sure.

I now have employment. In this economy, that is something to be grateful for. I’m able to meet my bills and rent on top of starting to pay off the $4,000 debt I accrued over my year of unemployment. Which means last year I spent around $14,000 to survive. Please allow me to feel a bit of pride in that. . .there. It was a hard year. A stressful, depressing year which divested me of many illusions I had about myself.

1) As of right now, I have no marketable job skills
I’d once believed that by virtue of being intelligent, hard working, and egger to learn/please on top of being able to show up on time placed me well ahead of the general employee bell curve. All my employers during summers in high school LOVED me. I mean, who the hell wouldn’t hire me as a waitress? I’m friendly, outgoing, intelligent and able to get to work on time, every time. What bookstore wouldn’t want those same qualities in someone to ring up purchases?
The truth of the matter is, I am overqualified for those jobs (and the employers know the risk of training someone who will leave for greener pastures in a few months after they’re hired), I lack experience in ANYTHING including waitressing and ringing up books so would be overlooked for those that do have such experience.
As for any other, nicer, better paying jobs, I’m not specialized or experienced enough. Do I feel that I would be fully capable of learning how to schedule employees, including learning the software and business policies? Heck yes. Is anyone going to bother teaching me how to do that when they’ve received 500 applications for the one position wherein ten others have done the same job before for some other company and don’t require training? No.
2) I am not a great writer.
This one I already knew from back in college. I’m an okay writer. Not great. Not terrible. Okay. Right now I feel like I’m backsliding in regards to how capable I am. I feel like I’m awful, incapable of throwing together even the most hackneyed, Tsang-esque of essays let alone something insightful, entertaining or, in a phrase, worth reading. I suck, in colloquial terms. That’s okay if I’m only amusing myself, but it means I’m not about to have open job prospects in that arena.
3) I am not on a path that will take my life where I want it to go.
Those things I mentioned above? I’m not going to get them out of my life if I keep on keeping on as I have. Yes, I am able to pay bills (barely) and am starting to pay off my small debt (barely) and in a year’s time, I’ll be able to truly start recovering (sloooowly). I have a wonderful cat and have been insanely fortunate as to not have been sick over this past insurance-less year (I would be utterly screwed right now) and am not out of the water yet (won’t be for another year from this July which is sooo not funny). My closest friends are far away, but they are totally awesome. I’m making friends around here. I have working air conditioning, clean running water, and have had a full stomach every day.
Yet if I were sticking to the plan I made my freshman year of college, I’d be putting in the third deposit into my IRA at the end of this year. I’ve yet to start said IRA toward my retirement age goal of 50. I assure you, that IRA won’t be happening until sometime next year, if at all (I have to meet my job expectations and not be let go for being mediocre at it, first) since I have to pass my trial period at work and so far, I’m not excelling. My expected retirement age, as of right now, is never.
I didn’t choose my major to make money; I chose it because it interested me and I thought it was what I’d enjoy doing with my life. I didn’t expect to make a lot, but I foolishly expected to make around $40,000 a year. Pathetic sort of expectations, I know. When I realized I didn’t want to do what I’d set out to do, I was left in the position of knowing I didn’t want THAT, but not knowing: what now? I hadn’t thought of a contingency plan, that if it turned out I didn’t want to be an English teacher I could fall back on those other, non existent courses in geology to become a paleontologist or microbiology to study fungi (sorry, but I would love to study fungi—is it a plant? Is it an animal? It’s both?!). This meant I carried on as I’d been going, minus a teaching certification. Plain English. Mediocrity. I may as well have a GED (not to diss people with a GED, I’m merely stating that in the job market, they’re almost equivalent).

All of this brings us to speed. The thing is, I’ve been sitting on my hands bitching and moaning in my own head long enough. I need to make some serious choices about what I want to do, accept that I may have to go into debt and go BACK TO COLLEGE starting all over again (as BAs do not convert to BSs), all to start a life that will fulfill me intellectually and financially. I need to have that “What do I want to be when I grow up” conversation with myself all over again, and this time not hold it in defiance of my father, but ask, “What is in my best interest?”

So. The List of Things I’d Like to Be/Do.

Fortune Cookie Writer
I would make an AWE INSPIRING fortune cookie writer

Study Mushrooms
The point and purpose would be to A) study fungi, which are awesome, and B) uncover and patent a way to grow morel mushrooms commercially, thus starting a new industry and earning me craptons of money (having moral mushrooms available for me to eat anytime I want would have NOTHING to do with my motivations)

Paleontologist
More specifically, someone who works at a museum or institute cleaning fossils. This job requires a steadier hand than, perhaps, I possess. It might be a bit monotonous. But the years would be a slow unveiling of our past world—I would go in to work knowing I was contributing to collective human knowledge and experience of our world, our past, our universe. That’s a job worth having and a life worth living.

Pharmacist
It’d take me well into my thirties to get my degree, if I could even manage the smarts to get accepted (that goes for the paleontologist job too, btw) given my atrocious track record with math. I’d emerge with some several hundred thousand worth of debt which would take another decade to pay off, but my starting pay range would be exceptional and retirement by 55 or 60 with a tidy sum would be feasible. Downside would be I’d have to play golf.

Astronomer
I’m not cut out for the math, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

Mythbuster
I want this job. I would love this job. I would do anything for this job, even though I’m not sure what I’d contribute since I’m not trained to handle high explosives and electricity. Or good at math.

There are plenty of other things I think I could do well and like, such as being a veterinary assistant (not sure if I’d be up for becoming a doctor altogether). Maybe I should go to school for something a bit more plain, such as Accounts Payable so I could be a tinge more marketable. Thing is, I’m worried about tuition hikes the country’s been experiencing on top of the fact that many people have been going back to school in general. Who’s to say that in four to seven years all those people will emerge with a shiny degree with nowhere to shove it? Yet I’m DEFINITELY going nowhere on the road I’m on. A risky chance that could either prove very rewarding or leave me further in debt.

Ugh. All this leads back to me not knowing what the heck I want. I’m not stupid, but I’m no genius. I’d like to do something science-y, but I’m not so good with math. I’d like to make money, but I’m worried about the debt this will incur (why o why didn’t I do this on my father’s dime?) and whether my hypothetical degree will land me a job that will pay off that debt in a reasonable time.

Who do you become when you could become so many people?

How do you carve a worthwhile future?

How do you do all this in the face of previous failed ventures?

How do you stop doubting your capabilities? Should I?

Dime a Dozen.

Comments

[finch]

I've been having this exact same conversation with myself lately.

The faster-cheaper version of pharmacist, pharmacy technician, could net you a decent-paying job while you work on the grown up degree, but I don't know whether you're interested in that at all. It's been on my short list more than once.

I just applied to ASU for the fall. If you're thinking about it, the deadline is June 1. :)

[effex]

I don't know if you want practicality right now, but my available responses are practicality or curling up into a little ball of woe.

I think going back to school is an option, especially if you go in knowing exactly what kind of career you want. Might be cheaper to get the base requirement credits at a community college and then transfer to a University.

I know how much you don't want to leave Bunny behind, but you can still teach English abroad or do a stint with the Peace Corp (which has the added benefit of scholarships or reduced tuition upon your return).

And getting a job as an English major isn't hopeless:

Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2010-11 Edition: Authors, Writers, and Editors

Popular Careers for English Majors @ PayScale

UT's What can I do with a career in... English

English Major Resource Kit (mostly for the list of 'Other Sources of Information')

Becoming an Editor

FAQ: how to get started as a copywriter or corporate writer

Finally, you're a good writer. With continued practice you'll be a great one. Most writers struggle for years and deal with thousands of rejection letters before ever getting published (completely disregarding the quality of their work, apparently), you know that. Don't let it beat you down.

Bonus: We know people who know people, once you've got your draft done chances are good we can get you pro/industry crit.

[nepenthe]

Dude, I am all for practical right now. I need practial and you found awsome linkage: you are Queen of Google.

My life? Ugh. Also, I hate money. Am annoyed that $319 rent is an actual burden and that after giving up well more than 80 hours of my life every few weeks, I recieve about $650. It won't be quite so bleak when I start to see commissions at the end of next month, however those commissions will be going to pay off my credit card debt so. . .essentially, I'll be living shoestring well into fall. If I can't meet minimum requirements over the next two months I won't have a job.

All I want is to maintain a position long enough to garner a free cruise, then wait several months for my debt to be reduced enough that I'll have accrued some savings to spend on such a vacation. That looks like it won't be until sometime next spring.

Then, I'm going to Hawaii to watch Kilauea erupting or Europe because it's EUROPE or to climb the Mayan ruins.

You had better have vacation time handy because I'll be dragging you with me whether you want to go or not.